The real blonde

I have a dear friend. And he inspires me regularly to thought and ideas. He may think this is not a good thing. But I love anyone who inspires me to break down old thoughts. Also, he is a great storyteller and has a wonderful sense of humor. Yesterday, he told me that I looked ten years younger when I had dyed blonde hair. And I agree, I was very sexy-looking. It was useful when I needed anything at stores. Men working in these stores were instantly helpful. I wasn't blonde for a long time. Just a period of a few months. So why did I give that up? Because I was TIRED of trying to be pretty in that way, didn't feel like spending the money, didn't feel like having chemicals pouring into my brain, didn't ever like it after a week or so, and DON'T CARE IF I LOOK OLDER.

Now does that mean I will purposely make myself look unattractive? No, I enjoy playing with what I call my "skin sack" until it turns into a crumbling mass of bones to be eaten by worms. And I do not find this offensive, either. It is life. Death is life, and the more I tune into this, the more joy I can live with--the less I will spend time thinking about doing things to avoid death like having my face pulled tight so I don't have wrinkles, trying to dress in a way not b/c I enjoy it, but to "fool" people into thinking I am younger. I do not need to entrance all men. Or any men. My husband thinks I am the cat's meow most of the time, except when I am acting like Medusa.

I told my friend, I don't care. I also told him, I am a middle-aged woman and I want to have my hair as it is. Grey. It is not a political statement. I am not a "feminist." I am just me. And I am finding that I have never been happier with myself than at this point, and I am certainly not as young or beautiful or as strong, etc. But what I am, is gaining more an more acceptance of who I am, and this brings wonderful joy. More than my dyed hair. Am I pissy sometimes because I feel "fat," or unsuccessful, or anxious? Duh. But keeping my greys is on the long-term plan before return back to the earth with the worms. And who knows? I might come back a natural blonde.