The thing about WAKING UP

I am finding CLARITY. I "capped" it because that is how it feels inside. People often say all CAPS looks like screaming. But that is what is happening. My eyes feel like they are open so wide, and a hundred truths are pouring in without my interceding. The gateway is open and there is no blockade, no barrier, no guard standing at the front to stop the flow.

What comes in must then come out. The movie--my movie--has always been running, but now I am looking at it. I thought I could skip out before. Before I found my food sobriety. In the story of Jonah and the Whale in the bible, Jonah tries to hide from God. Now call God whatever you want. Lots of people get nervous if you use the word GOD. Maybe this is just an aspect of California. It seems that it's like wearing acid wash jeans to some. Out of style. But let GOD stand for whatever you want if it makes you nervous.

Anyway, so Jonah was not successful. How can you hide from God? I thought I could hide as well from things I did not want to see, from words I did not want to comprehend. The consequence of this state, induced by my already expansive nature that was easily damaged by sugar, was that I was dimmed to all sorts of things. Maybe not compared to another person. So energetic was I. So full of enthusiasm. But my natural level was dimmed under these conditions.

So here I am, at 40, figuring out how to live with feelings and intuition and perception that grows clearer all the time. Lots of benefits. Obviously, it is good for business. And my feet shrunk a half size so far. Truly. I guess the bloat deflated. I can understand all sorts of things now that I never thought possible. I am expanding my concept of my "intelligence." These are all wonderful things. And the joy--well, I was already one of those "high on joy" kind of people. Now it is exponential.

But there is this other aspect. The feelings that I judge, that I deem upsetting, or disappointing, or knowledge of what is happening with people I love. This is not so great for me sometimes. So I am telling you instead of resting my head on the bosom of a big hunk of bread, which would soon migrate to my mouth. Then I go right back to darkness. I will stay here.