Shaking the stop sign

I used to have faith in everything that happened because I could see a larger purpose. It felt nice to believe. This mode meant it was possible for the tooth fairy and neat endings to exist. And whatever happened, I looked toward something higher. I was always looking for something higher.

I don't know what you would call that something higher. Joy? God? Spirit? All of these work for me.

Things happen and you look for answers and guidance. It is like the road is under construction. There is a reason, like the earth made a crack appear in the road. This is what is happening. And then there is what you must do. You have to wait. You stop there when the person in the orange vest holds up the STOP sign and gives you a look that says, "Pay ATTENTION."

Then they reverse the sign, and it says "SLOW." You can go now.

This road crew is parallel to GOD or Spirit, in my world. It is akin to the "something larger than me" that provides me with guidance. And it is also simply a road with a road crew telling you to do things. Both the literal and symbolic can coexist in my world. This allows me to walk my tightrope of sanity.

But there is also the solo showing of "just because." Sometimes things happen, and I don't look for a reason. Of course, there is the tendency for my mind to try and decipher the meaning behind things. And if I am frustrated, increasing attention will go to the process of "how" and "why," while hypotheticals lie one on top of the next, smothering one another with "possibilities." Then I think about it some more until I shake it off with a walk.

But there is this delightful moment that arises every now and then, like a quick breath on an inhale, where I just see the moments. This part of me sees things happening and then, sees just "that they are happening." I am dying. The house is sinking into the mud. The glass is broken. A baby is born. This does not subtract from the richness of the moment. I can do whatever I like with the information. The road has a big crack in it because the earth opened up. The earth opened and I am staring at the crack.

When I am in this mode, all is well, even if there are unsightly blackheads on my nose. It is not because I think "it is all for the best." I am viewing like Switzerland.

Currently, I have not "lost" faith. I still look for signs. This is my adult version of a teddy bear. It is just that there is this other part developing in my search for acceptance. I want peace when I see things happening, and I can find it in translating. Or, I can find it in seeing what is there as "what is there," rather than attempting to call a rose by any other name but a rose.