Taking the Peel OFF

Things fly out of my mouth now and I can't stop them. I don't mean swearing, although that happens too, when someone gets in my way and I'm driving. But I mean that the security system that was once in place, has been lifted. But no one gave me the memo. I just didn't notice it until it happened so regularly, that I wondered: "What happened to the "nice person?"

When people used to ask that question, "What is your best quality?", my response was always "I am nice." For years, I said this with pride. Now, I think about this idea, Hmm, am I? I am not so sure about that. Maybe compared to some people. And maybe NOT compared to others. But more important, I see that there has been a longtime act.

The act makes me believe I "look" a certain way which is more acceptable. In my eyes, if you are nice, people like you, good things happen, you are GOOD. The opposite is bad. And BAD means you will be without love. Maybe people will throw pies at you. (Which I won't be able to eat on my no-sugar lifestyle.) But the problem with this theory of goodness, is that I never really was any nicer than I could be. It was a soft idea, like a piece of fruit that is rotten and pushes in when you touch it. I "thought" I hid anything that looked contrary and preceded to stuff myself silly with sugar and food, exercised for hours at a time, and tried to bury it.

All because I thought it made me less lovable. But the funny part is, I was the same, except there was a strange layer of film over me. Like the layer of dust on the dvd player I noticed the other day. I noticed it for a while, yet I ignored it. Until I couldn't and finally cleaned it off.

Well, this is what has happened with my "personality," for lack of a better word. It has popped out unannounced, uninvited, and I can't shove it back in anymore. It's like I went from an in-ey belly button to an out-ey. And now it's out. I didn't clear the dust away. The cessation of sugar did it for me. Now I'm out and here to stay. I finally get that bit that "older" women used to say to me about getting to a certain age and just being whatever you are.

Now it's here. And so am I -- un-peeled like an orange.