The Strings that unwind

I have boy-style underwear. I like it because I had a brief affair with thongs, that passed and when it passed, I buried any desire for floss moving in between my bottom’s cheeks. I recall, in the midst of our torrid affair-thongs and I—what I loved about it. There was something free and naughty, even, about feeling just a hint of something, and then lightness and space everywhere else but for a tiny triangle. It made me feel that sense of bareness, while clothed. I have never liked clothing very much. It doesn't feel good on me, so the thong was the perfect addition. I loved buying ridiculous colors, tinier and tinier versions. And it was just the sort of thing that low-price stores tended to carry. There was nowhere I couldn't find my thongs.

But then that shimmying string in back, strung in so many different colors, from all the exotic “birds” I bought from stores, started to wear. I even tried the more "select" brand names. But it didn't work like my meat. It rubbed, it harassed, and annoyed. Like that person, who once encompasses your space, who you cannot get enough of. You know what I am talking about, right? Suddenly it is the hacking up of phlegm, or the way they mumble babytalk, and all of a sudden, you are thinking, “this does not fit.” Get them outta here. Well, this is what happened with my thong. We had a good run, and then one day, I found that it didn’t fit. Well, actually it fit too well. I decided it and I weren’t ready for that kind of closeness.

It just doesn’t feel nice to me to have little strings squeezed "in there." I mean, how is this much different than leaving floss between your teeth all day. I get the whole purist thing about having NVP (no visible pantyline) but WHO THE HELL CARES? Is the point to not look like I’m wearing underwear? And what does this say to my elderly ladies I teach? Hey, our teacher is going bareback! As it is, I shave under my arms even though I am extremely lax about keeping up this process on a regular basis, simply b/c I do not want to shock them with a view of unsightly “pubic” hair. So back to the question: do I want my bottom to be that free for the general public? I mean, I consider it rather intimate to be letting all of that shake about for the neighbors, the 10 year old kid, their dog, the cashier at the grocery store. I am all for the semantics of mating rituals and enticement, but when the bottom is masquerading as a citizen during my day, I like it clothed. There is something secure about having my “cheeks” wrapped, and then double-wrapped. And I find they look “cuter.” This is an easy fix; it is not like having to sit there with dye on my hair for hours, or have flesh sucked out with those vacuum things I saw on Dr. 90210 once. (Have not watched it since.J) Nor is this fix like the torment and laborious process of hair dyeing, which I used to do as a peroxided blonde. And they are only $8.00 at Lululemon. These are my favorite. Small, in case you’re wondering. The larger sizes STRETCH too much, and there is nothing worse than stretched out underwear on my skin. Makes me chafe. Then I get more rashes.

Even if I don’t sleep properly, or if I am having bad hair, I can always rest in confidence that my backside is quilted, coated, and supported. So boy underwear it is. And if people in the world can see that I am wearing it, due to my ever present uniform of tight exercise pants, that cling to my legs, I am with God on this. I wear boy underwear.