Feelings are busy, I am finding. And it is interesting that I am not "done." Just because I notice this, my assignments are not completed. The old habit is very persistent. It is like a lovely little worm parasite that you can get from raw fish. (people tell me all the time I will get sick from eating meat raw at times. I tell them I am already sick. Tapeworms are the least of my concern.) This tapeworm of habit wants to hold you, embrace you, and sing Carole King songs to you while it lives off your body.
So I have to be a very avid watcher of my old tricks popping up. Cut out sugar, and suddenly want loads of eggs. Cut out eggs and want bacon. Soak the bacon to "get rid of" the bad stuff on it, and want EVEN MORE bacon. Want sex. MOre. And then more work. More of anything to replace a feeling floating around. Trying anything to avoid the feeling. The lovely little tapeworm. Habit persists and will do anything to get more oxygen and avoid being suffocated.
My vigilance to this cycle, is like instilling my own detective agency inside me. What is the advantage to all this? YOU might think this is a hassle. Poor, sick person. Yup, that's me. But the advantage, is that I get to do what I want. I get to move forward in my pursuits. I get to pour words out on the page, b/c I am not stuffing away the desire, the thoughts, the notions through a habit that keeps me from being alive.
When I don't avoid feelings, with a habit (that can only cover lamely), then I have opportunity for change. And as I am a hedonist, change is very stimulating for me because it is "something new." It wakes me up. If I take on whatever I feel like, regardless of whether it is like last night (my class I went to for the first time that had NO ONE there), I am living.
I want to live. My tapeworm the habit, can go straight to hell.
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