Clearing the WAY

So my latest thought is the following: Sometimes I need to go to something bigger than myself. If I rely on myself, or another person to find the way for me, I am still searching and hungry. I look for the right person, or the right moment, or the song that will make me feel okay, or the weather, or the flatness of my belly, or the ions in the air to line up just right.

But what I have left is still chance, fate, how the world will turn. And I am still wondering, where to find the stable place. How do I find that place in me? Sometimes I sit back, and there is this feeling of worthlessness underneath. And it sounds wonderful to say, "I am all done with that." "I worked through that." But then, there is a moment, and it shows it face. I see it and think, "Oh, THERE you are." It is like an old thing that I thought I removed, and THERE IT IS.

What do I do about this? I know that feeling bad about feeling bad--well, it makes me feel bad. Ignoring feeling bad also makes me feel bad. I could put on a tight smile, let my voice come out differently, "fake it till I make it," but it is still there.

So today, with a friend, we came up with a solution. SHE came up with the solution. She prefaced it very carefully, b/c people, at least in California, tend to get very touchy if you use the G word. You know, GOD. She started to preface, and I said, I believe in everything. You will not offend me. It will offend me MORE if you do not say exactly what you want.

She reminded me, "There is something bigger than you." She described how she saw it. I was nodding my head, interrupting, agreeing, because yes, I see it that way as well. I call it Spirit or the Universe. God works too. But we were both agreeing fervently how well this essence that is larger than both of us is calming, is nurturing and is safe. And then I realized, that my "worthless" arena is the one spot where I have not used my faith in this larger-than-me thing. I use it for which way to walk, for what to eat, for what I feel in the body, for how the words come out. I use it to ask for help, to ask for faith, to help me find gratitude. But never have I really directly used it for letting go this sense of being "wrong" or not fitting, or not measuring up. It was so funny, that everywhere else in my life, it works. If I need tank tops, as I do, I ask THAT WHICH IS LARGER THAN ME to help me find them at the Goodwill. Specifically, I need black ones. It is hilarious, b/c I never saw any, and since I "asked," I see tons and tons of them. Of course, most will not fit my breasts, or are too short, or feel like they are going to cut off my circulation under my arms, or have those stupid bra things inside NOT made for BIG GIRL breasts. But I am finding them, and always smile. I do not want to pay 25 or 30 for a tank top. Or more. I want to pay 3 dollars or 4.

But I never asked to help me find that peace that I am okay. So I tried it. And I will try it now. When I start questioning if what I am doing, the way I am doing, is enough, if it is effective, if it helps people, I will try to go to that BIG SPACE. That is what I will call it. And right now, before I can begin to worry, I feel the BIG SPACE. It wraps around me and holds me, it shields me and supports me. It gives me something I can fall into and feel released and contained at once. There is something larger than me. "Me" can just take a backseat. Something larger. I am full from lots of pot roast made in my slow cooker that I had abandoned. I had faith and picked it up and used it again. I had faith just now and called out to something larger.

And despite the food burps, I am breathing. I am breathing.

CLEARING THE WAY