I noticed back in college that it was hard for me to speak coherently. I couldn't get the words out. It was like being trapped inside a container, and knocking on the container to get out. And then losing this moment of what was happening and venturing into a space where things happened without much recollection. This is what it looks like now from my new perch outside the walls of carb chaos. I am still a champion rambler, and I don't know that this will disappear, but that is okay. It is one of the things that make me annoying.
I am a zealot about what removing poison did for me. It may not be poison for you, but it was hemlock for me. I don't know what it is about my constitution that cannot handle a "regular" diet. But I don't care. I am happy I have found my way of living. I feel like I have my life back.
It was very frustrating being me. I always needed to ask people to help me with directions, with assignments, with how to do things. Even if I listened, I couldn't make sense of it. The words didn't go in and process. This is probably why I have always been a natural working with autistic and special needs children. I understand what it is like to have things seem like a jumble, while people look at you puzzled. Why don't you get it? You don't listen!
I wasn't put in a special class, or told I had low intelligence. Instead, I was considered dizzy, spacey, "doesn't listen." And I believed it. I thought I was lazy, and didn't try hard enough. I wished I could be an accountant, and be able to do all these things.
I remember when I tried to express these things, and the frustration of having learning disabilities, I would get the responses of well-meaning people, parents included, saying things like: That's not true. YOU ARE JUST FINE.
REALLY? Then why did I walk around lost in college simply trying to make up a schedule for classes? How did I get lost going to the same classes and not being able to figure out where they were? Why did I get lost every time I drove, and why was I unable to read a map before last year? Why did I fall asleep after sitting still for more than ten minutes unless I was eating, exercising, moving? Why was every procedure painstaking and impossible?
I had accepted things like this, as just being the way it was. That I had to hope the world would take pity on me me. That people would always need to take care of me because I was not capable of doing it myself. My parents used to say, "Caroline does not live in the real world." This did not feel nice to me. It doesn't feel good not to rely on yourself. First, and this was a long first, I thought I was a dumbshit. I'm sorry. There's no nice way to put it. And my choices reflected this. You are what you eat. Eat shit and that is what you will get.
One day I was walking down to North Beach, on one of the long walks I would do across the city. Exercise was my only haven throughout all of this. That and food. I can't remember what spurred on the thought, while I was walking, but I thought, "You are a piece of shit." In fact, I think I muttered it out loud. I was disgusted with myself. And not 30 seconds later, I stepped in some. It was not kind to my white Converse shoe. I think it was the left one.
I laughed immediately. It hit home that you will get what you think. I was already on my journey of a carbless existence, although I would slide back into sugar again, several times. Addiction is a jealous bitch, and it held on tight to me for a while. But it dawned on me, how cruel I had been to myself.
Now, looking at a vantage point, free of sugar, I find I am not stupid. I had tried to accept that I was "special" in some areas, and confused in others. Now I don't think I am the most conventional individual just because I eat all meat. I am impatient, reckless, impulsive, prone to getting easily excited, but I HAVE A PULSE. I am thinking and writing, and trying and teaching and doing what I always wanted to do.
I have stopped looking at school simply to prove that I can do it. I have my own methods of teaching and learning. But I have the brainpower to back me up. Look, I am sure, and I have seen that there are lots of people out there who can eat cereal, eat a cupcake, have regular food and function just fine. They are brilliant, composed, balanced people. But this is not me. Give me carbs and my brain goes dead and scattered.
I am so happy to have my life back. It is the life I never knew was possible. This is what happens when the lights go on.
No comments:
Post a Comment