You could say that if I were smarter, or a better planner, that I would not have to worry about these things. I could pick things that were fail-safe, like IBM. Only, maybe that isn't a sure thing either, now. I don't know. It is possible for me to lead a very narrow life, where I am more certain of outcomes, and limit my contact and intimacy with others. Then there are less surprises. Still, surprises, but less. After all, I might be walking and a bird could poop on my head. I can't plan for that.
But the truth is, I don't want to live that safely. I also do not like suffering. I didn't like it when I couldn't walk for two weeks because my heel was bothering me. But I sunk into the notion that there was a larger reason, and it was not mechanical. It passed without tinkering. But at the time, most people said, when they saw me limping, when I had to walk to class, "Oh, you must have plantar fasciatis. I remember thinking, I do not have that. It is somatic--meaning, it is about what is happening in my mind. And in my mind was: worry, fear. Fear to take a wrong step, or a bad step, or to step and regret. Fear that I am not what I might want to be. And I do not know what I want. And I should know. (Should-the most profane of all swear-words, in my book. It belongs in the slammer.) Hence, I couldn't walk. I never believed it was some ailment with a funny name that I cannot spell. It passed eventually and then popped over to the other foot. My mental pains are always moving around in my body and passing as they feel like it.
I am okay with not knowing the reason for all sorts of things. I don't need to understand how it was possible. It does not bother me that I am not certain if I was a monkey first or if God in a gown created me. But I do feel challenged when it comes to accepting what is or will be happening without worry. The things that do not worry me, do not challenge me. This seems stupidly obvious, but when people say, I do not worry, that means, I do not worry about what does not bother me. Find your particular flavor, and you will worry. I want to break this habit. A friend of mine told me the other day that I was too old to change. You could change when you were 20, he said. Well, what the hell good does that do me? I am not 20. Does that mean I should have given up twenty years ago?
No one told me this. And I am glad I do not believe this. Otherwise, I would still be spending half my day exercising, and the other half, eating cookies. Yes, this is a bit of an exaggeration, but I think change is related not to actually DOING anything different, but seeing that realm that is larger than you. When I see this, I do not worry about making a fool of myself. When I step into something larger, I realize I do not have to try so hard. A lot of my life has been spent either convincing myself I am a lazy sloth, or trying so very hard to do something the right way.
I think I need to just do things. I do DO things. But the worrying is extra. I do not want to take a pill for it. I do not want therapy for it. I do not want positive affirmations. All of these things are fine, but I just want to step into that space that is bigger than me. By doing it right NOW. and NOW. And NOW.
Today when I was walking, I stopped down at the bottom of some steep steps, and stared out at the ocean. I stood there watching, unblinking, and soon I noticed this haze. There was a wave of little particles I saw, that sort of looked like raindrops, but it wasn't rain. I noticed a bit of color and thought that it reminded me of an aura. Then I thought, there is probably some scientific explanation like when you don't blink your eyes create this. And after that, I thought. I don't care. It feels like Spirit, like God, like something bigger is around and surrounding me. And it feels good.
I close my eyes and then I could feel this wave around me, like it was enveloping me and then releasing. Enveloping and then releasing. There is a cycle here. I get pulled in because I am alive, enmeshed, involved, and then I release. I want to be alive, not safe. And I want to release. I need to remember to release. That is where the bigness is.
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