ClEARING THE DUST

CLEARING THE DUST As for hungry ghosts, the point for me is NOT to assume I extinguish them. I befriend my "darkness" or my hunger or my craving without getting to the goal of YAY! FINISH. END OF GAME-YOU WIN A BRAND NEW EUREKA VACUUM! The game continues and the board pieces are still there. If it is not in food where I extinguish this vacuuming up of "filter" for feelings, this does not mean it does not exist for me. I do not feel safe assuming I have extinguished this. EVen a sense of wanting to do one thing while doing another--this, to me is a hungry ghost. That is why I say, when someone says "that person is an addict" there is always a chance to turn the finger around. So I may not go out and get plastered like Joe does, but I maybe get aggressive when I am driving. Why? Really, it is not simply "they made me" b/c they did something stupid. My way of looking at it, is that this feeling that is "stimulated" in me is ALREADY THERE. Food did not bring it. Nor does food release it. Nor did the clothing purchase, or the sex, or the lack of that new job I want. That is why I continue to say, ad nauseum, it is not just about the food (Fill in the blank with your particular habit. That is one of many for me.) But it is up to each person how far they want or need to dig. I don't really have another option because the light of recognition is shining. It goes dim during all sorts of moments. It shines in others. HOw tedious? Maybe--or maybe, how freeing, how expanding. HOw negative? Maybe--or maybe looking and seeing the dust under the bed means I can clear it.

How to Pass the Lump

How is sadness still there. I think reprovingly-- it is enough-- after several minutes. Yet, it is still drip, drip, dripping. Today, off the hearts of others, by the wayside, it seems to be thick in the air like the smell of bacon. And it is clinging on and to me. Even in the midst of sadness, my mind leads me back to meat!

Once again, it is back to the throat. The throat seems to be the seat and the launch pad for so many emotions. Why is it that I do not start to feel it in my toes? Or a twitch in my nose? I'm not going Dr. Seuss here--I just wonder. The throat seems to embody so much sensation. It's like there are eyes and ears and a nose in there.

I am doing something new. I am letting it float around without resisting. If I sit here and sink in with it, not sinking down, but floating, it doesn't feel unpleasant. It feels like a sensation. I am used to blocking off these sensations. Perpetually happy. Like a recurring hiccup. But then, there is this sobriety from sugar, my favorite drug. (Fortunately, I still have a plethora of commas and broken sentences, much to my sister's chagrin.)

All of a sudden, when I am quiet and just sitting here, without t.v, or noise, or food, or chatter or the plans for the next day-- I have my ear to the wall of these invading sensations. Climbing around until now without notice. So I peer inside. Sadness was something I always threw my whole body into. Or pushed it away with sweets. But watching it like this, is very strange. It is a full-time job watching these emotions.

In this moment, the lump in my throat seems to have settled into a mild pimple that just hints at being there. My body is relaxed, my eyes are wet, but I am feeling life. The situations are the same, yet, my inside is not.

This is how things pass. It did not take so long after all.

As it comes, It GOE$!

The sadness seeped over me, like a thick blanket. I felt it down to my bones. I felt the call of sugar plums and caramels, chocolates in cheerful wrappers and brightly colored gum drops--the colors only chemicals can make. And I waited. And I wrote. And I waited.

I wanted for something outside me to dampen it. It felt like this moment was the only moment of all moments. What did it matter then, if I left reality. What the hell was reality good for? Why should I bother...but somehow, I held on to that strand hanging there. Just one little strand, like little pearls. And hanging on turned minutes, into pages, and into sleep. And then I taught

The world opened up and changed just like that. Engaged. Learning with another person. And seeing the lights go on. This excites me, and brightens my world. And I am so happy now that I hung on. Barely, but it's the end result that counts.